ENJOY YOURSELF

 

   Right now, at this very moment; I am sitting on a king-sized bed in a luxurious 4 Diamond Hotel called Caesar’s.  You might have heard of the place before.  You probably have.  It’s the one located in Windsor, not Las Vegas, but it’s still spectacular.  I have a clear view of the GM building across the lake in Detroit.  It’s quite impressive and is breathtakingly beautiful when you observe it at night.  Last time we were here for a few days we took the underground tunnel to get across the river to check out the new GM building that greets you as soon as you get across.  There were fountains, stores and restaurants.  We even watched a newly married couple get their pictures taken on the steps by a professional photographer.  They were having the reception inside the GM building and you could see the balloons and streamers decorating the balcony off of the reception room.  There were 2 big ships parked off to the left of the GM building for day tours.  There were even children laughing and playing in the fountains under the blazing sunshine.

   But that was months ago when it was in the middle of July.  Right now it’s only about 42 degrees F and it’s raining.  It looks miserable outside and my husband is working in that weather.  But he never complains, he just tells me to enjoy myself.  Which is a really hard thing for me to do.  I wasn’t raised to believe that I have the right to enjoy life to it’s fullest and pursue happiness just for the sake of being happy.  I’ve worked hard all my life so I don’t feel comfortable with letting someone else pay my way.  I always prided myself on being financially independent and able to take care of myself and my kids.  I was never wealthy but I always had the ability to find a way to obtain anything I wanted or needed.  But, I just finished 4 years of schooling in Criminal Psychology & Behaviour so I haven’t had an income of my own in a long time.  Which really messes with a person’s head who has worked since she was 13 and left home at 16 to find her own way in life.  Now don’t get me wrong, my husband is generous to a fault and we talked about this before I started on this next chapter of my life.  However, Talk is one thing, reality is another.  The reality of this situation for me is that somewhere buried deep in my psyche is an overwhelming fear of insecurity.  I’ve been taking care of myself for so long I find it very difficult to believe and trust that someone could love me enough to take care of me without throwing it back in my face.  I wasn’t taught unconditional love growing up.  I was brainwashed to believe that there was a price for everything and that I needed to prove my worth on a daily basis.

   There is a cause and effect theory that I think applies here to my situation.  The reason I find it hard to just kick back and relax is because I grew up in a mind-control cult that spread their hateful propaganda on a daily basis; brainwashing young children into believing that they have no individual value.  For 12 years I was told that I needed to earn the right to even exist and that they held the key to my eternal salvation.  Although I never bought into their rhetoric, I’ve come to accept and understand that if someone tells you that are nothing and don’t matter every single day of your childhood, there’s bound to be some lifelong side effects.

   I’m not looking for pity and I don’t ever want anyone to feel sorry for me.  The past is gone and nothing can change it. But, I’m determined to life my life to the fullest without feelings of guilt and unworthiness.  So I struggle daily with accepting my good fortune at having a wonderfully loving husband who thrives on spoiling me and calling me his princess.  Last night we went to Spago for dinner and tonight we have reservations to the upscale Nero’s restaurant located inside the casino building.   We ate at Nero’s last time we were here and the food is incredible.  I’ve eaten in high-end restaurants all over Canada and the United States but Nero’s superseded my expectations.  We had the Date Night Special which was lobster, crab and shrimp.  The quality was A+ and the ambiance was incredibly romantic.

   So, I KNOW how lucky I am to have such a fulfilling life and that there’s lots of people less fortunate than me.  I also know that in time I will find my way to the next exciting chapter in my career life, but in the meantime my biggest challenge is learning to “just enjoy” the life I am so grateful to have at this stage of the game.  And I’m going to keep on writing about the JW cult, no matter who likes it, because I know firsthand the damage that they have caused to millions of people and continue to do so in the year 2017 in my city and yours and all over the world.  As long as I know that children are being subjected to the mental and emotional abuse (and sometimes sexual and/or physical abuse) perpetuated by the JW cult I will continue to speak out against such atrocities in the hope of helping or saving one person or family from the  harmful effects of a publishing corporation disguised as a religion.

Ciao for now,

Malice